


hopeless

by asexuelf



Series: Emotions Challenge [7]
Category: Dragon Age II, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Anders Being Anders, Angst, Animagus, Child Abuse, Death Eaters, Drabble, Genderqueer, Neopronouns, Other, Pre-Relationship, This is very niche, fenris is a cat confirmed, they/them pronouns, theyre teens in this... babies!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2021-01-15 09:24:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21251135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asexuelf/pseuds/asexuelf
Summary: Anders waits. For xer friend, for xer future - for anything at all.





	hopeless

**Author's Note:**

> happy hell-of-bean!!! no jumps or scares, just a self-indulgent and somewhat melodramatic hogwarts au... what can i say? im a simple wix with simple needs.
> 
> this is technically my 100th fic on this account 👀 neat!
> 
> anders' pronouns - xe/xem/xer  
fenris' pronouns - they/them/their
> 
> if you don't like nonbinary or genderqueer folks, kindly find another fic to read. thank ya spank ya, have a great holiday

Anders hated the Astronomy tower.

Xe couldn't define why or when this hatred started, but that didn't seem to matter when xe snuck to the roof at every convenience anyways. It was always freezing up here, no matter how many times xe attempted a heating charm, and the snow clung to xer hair and eyelashes like spidersilk. Xe didn't bother rubbing at it anymore, knew from experience that it couldn't truly be helped. It would all melt away in due time anyways.

Xe could go inside and forget about it, warm up and study, but xe didn't want to. Xe had to look. Xe had to _ see. _

From way up here, Anders could look out over the snowbanks and stone walls, see the Quidditch Pitch and the lake and more, and feel like a caged bird. So high above the world, weightless and free, yet wingless. Trapped.

_ Now I remember_, xe though. _ I hate being up here because this place is terrible. _

Xe could remember the sheer joy xe'd felt at learning xe was a wix. Xe breathed hot air over xer freezing fingers and felt it turn to laughter. Angry, angry laughter. Oh, how incredible the news had seemed, how fantastic and strange - until Father had taken one look at the letter and stuffed xer into the basement for an entire year.

_ Aren't you freakish enough already? _ he had shouted once through the door. Anders had never learned what promoted xer father to speak suddenly, but xe remembered how wonderful it had seemed to hear a voice.

_ Not yet, _Anders thought wryly now. The only response was the sound of wind.

The old man had always been the sort to invent problems, hadn't he? Making up rules to control Anders when none existed, forcing more and more onto xer small shoulders. If xe wasn't getting in trouble for wearing skirts, xe was getting in trouble for wearing pants wrong. If xe wasn't getting in trouble for breaking something, xe was getting in trouble for fixing it "when it isn't your place". If xe wasn't getting in trouble for accidental magic, xe was getting in trouble for… well, for being alive, xe'd always thought. Father seemed so cross to have a child - or maybe just to have Anders.

Mother had always protected xer where she could. Mother had always been there. Until she wasn't. Until xe was trapped in the dark, cold and alone.

Something about the Astronomy Tower always reminded xer of the basement, dark and cold and lonely, but at least it was in the opposite direction. At least xe wasn't trapped underground with one meal a day and no light to speak of.

Now xe was full, just as the sky was full of stars that shone light down to the glistening snow around xem, and it wouldn't even be lonely for much longer.

Mother had saved xer from the basement. A year of solitude and misery had been ended so swiftly, Anders had been certain xe was dreaming.

Mother had driven Father's car like she had stolen it - likely had - all the way to the train station. Then, she'd stuffed a ticked into xer hand and said _ I can't follow_. Anders hadn't been old enough or wise enough to ask why. Anders hadn't known yet to say _ do it anyways. _

The train had been unreal. The school had been shocking. Anders knew nothing of the wizarding world, but had quickly learned to be awed. Everything was… _ magical, _in a true and literal sense. That wonder had been snuffed out quickly, but it had been there. It was the thing that kept xer going after that year of agony.

Now another joined Anders on the tower roof, leaving small imprints in the fresh-fallen snow with their paws. The small grey cat stopped a foot away, twitched their ears to flick flakes of snow off them, and before Anders' eyes became a person. They were a head shorter than Anders with bleached-pale hair that was already dark again at the root and eyes so green Anders often suspected they were spelled that color. They were an animagus, a Hufflepuff, and a friend. They were Fenris.

"Hey, Fen," Anders said. Fenris always told xer that silence didn't need filling, but xe reckoned they wouldn't stick around if they didn't appreciate it at least a little.

"Anders," they said back. Then silence.

They stood side by side and avoided looking up.

Like Anders, Fenris was stuck here in this stupid deadly boarding school. With no one else to live with after the death of their mother, Fenris and his sister lived here, just like Anders, puttering about Diagon Alley in the Summer months because Headmistress Elthina forbid anything else. She even forbade most of the important things Anders did in Diagon Alley, like working for the rights of house elves and attempting to bring light to the overwhelming amounts of purebloods in wizarding office. She seemed completely opposed to anything good that Anders ever tried to do, from the political to the personal. If Anders were to put money into the hand of one less fortunate, Elthina would wake from a dead sleep just to spit, xe was sure of it.

"Stupid old crone."

Fenris looked over, the corner of their mouth twitching. They didn't seem surprised at Anders' outburst - they were too used to xem and xer sudden fires by now. They knew exactly where xer mind went and proved it by teasing, "There are worse things than a stern headmistress."

Anders huffed again, unamused. "She's not even _ stern_. I wouldn't mind that, we both know how stern half our friends can be - Velanna, Aveline, Sten, even Josephine sometimes... But with Elthina, she's just…"

"Empty." Anders looked over in surprise but Fenris just nodded to themself, an odd air of disappointment clinging to them. "Sebastian says otherwise, but I… I can't see what he sees. I'm not sure what to look for."

"That's because there's nothing there. I've looked and found absolutely zilch. That Death Eater of yours is going to come here and kill us all in the name of his _ Dark Master _ and Elthina will do nothing but smile and nod and say 'Will you genocide more quietly please?' because she's more automoton than woman. I swear if we cut her open we'd find gears."

Fenris snorted at that, but looked nervous. "Danarius can't make it beyond school defenses. It's warded against Death Eaters."

"Did Elthina say that?"

"No… I asked Cullen."

Anders rolled xer eyes. Leave it to Fenris to talk to all the brown-nosers. "You must know he's Elthina's _ golden boy_."

"Hardly. You know he's at odds with her more often than not. It's Stannard that he answers to more - and she hates Elthina about as much as you do."

Anders glared at xer friend. Xe wasn't sure how xe felt about that comparison.

"Don't glare at me." Xer friend shot a worse look back. Fenris would always win with that mad kitty scowl, but it didn't keep Anders from fighting back. It never did. "You know it's true. Between her and Professor Orsino, the entire school's going to be blown apart soon. And then Danarius _ will _ get us."

"As if I'd let him get you."

They met xer eyes then, and both faces relaxed out of their glares to smile. Fenris hid their bashfulness behind laughter, hitting back when Anders checked them with xer shoulder.

"Whatever," Fenris teased. "What could you do? You're flunking everything but your special healing courses."

"Well, he's an old Wizarding sort, right? Probably doesn't even know about guns."

Fenris barked out a shocked laugh. "You're going to _ shoot _ him?"

"Might as well. Faster than the Killing Curse, isn't it?"

They shook their head, grinning, and stared down over the ledge, seemingly avoiding Anders' eyes. "Something tells me it won't be so simple, but… I'll take all the help I can get."

Neither of them mentioned the far more dangerous threat looming overhead. Anders didn't want to think about Corypheus, and xe assumed Fenris didn't either. They just stood side by side, shivering in the freezing chill of winter, together.

"Soon," Fenris whispered suddenly. It was more to themself, it seemed, but xe listened anyways. "Soon we'll get out of here. Soon it will all be over."

Xe looked at the Quidditch Pitch again, then the strange tiles of the castle roof, then to the greenhouses. Xe took in every detail, wondering, distantly, what it would be like when xe could no longer come up and see it. Wondering, distantly, if there would come a day when Hogwarts wouldn't be here at all, and if that day would come soon.

"Do you still think you'll become an Auror?"

Fenris laughed tightly. They were thinking about it too, xe realized. They were both flightless. 

This time, Fenris met xer eyes. They were wide, shiny even in the dim lights.

"No," they answered. "No, I don't think I will."

The two grew very quiet then and didn't speak anymore until it was time to go back to their dorms. The cold chilled them to the bone, but it seemed better, in the moment, than all that laid ahead.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading ! hope ya enjoyed and have a lovely (and safe!!!) halloween 💖


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